-: bitchscopes 3 - what sign is my neighbour? :-
aries If you encounter your neighbour coming out his or her front door, do they belt down their pathway and leap in to their car, before you have even locked up properly? Do they rev their engine and then race away, without waiting for their vehicle to warm up, not even changing to a higher gear for fuel economy because it might diminish their acceleration? Do they park in milliseconds and walk off, not worrying to look back or check everything is okay? Do you hear them shout and hurl their crockery at each other, but everyone is still all smiles whenever you happen to meet the next time? This person may appear confrontational at first, but that’s only for shock value and to test out your mettle. Underneath they are a pussycat who will be delighted to become your friend, to share interests if you’d like and even invite you to their party. They will enjoy a coffee, a beer or a glass of wine with you, remaining polite to your visitors and friendly in an unthreatening sort of way with your children. Perhaps the hardest part will be spotting this neighbour in the first place. They’re well dressed in an unremarkable way, their home is similarly pleasant but without much to single it out… libra
march 20 -
april 19
september 23
- october 22
taurus You can set your clock by the hour your neighbour comes home, usually earlier than the majority, especially in the week. On Saturdays, they go shopping and return laden with bags of exotic groceries, from a quality store that is not the most exclusive, but is heaps more expensive than many. Maybe they order their shopping online and wait for a delivery, watching their favourite soaps in the meantime from the comfort of their settee? At other moments you see them in their stylish kitchen, cooking sumptuous meals with specialised ingredients and industrial quantities of calories. A great friend but a dreadful enemy, you’ll recognise this neighbour by the way they rarely make eye contact, even going so far as wearing sunglasses in the dark. You may think you’re watching them, but they already have your number and soon formulate a better understanding of any habits and routines than you possess yourself. They also get a handle on those petty things that annoy you, whether it is foliage overhanging your boundaries, parking so close you will need lubricant to get out, or some shenanigans you can’t quite pinpoint as deliberate, at significant times of day. scorpio
april 20 -
may 20
october 23
- november 21
gemini This person just adores their telephone so most of the time, you’ll hear they are busy with texts and voice calls, as the chirping of their mobile rends the air. Though they obviously love their home and are around it more often than not, they also seem to go out and then come back several times each day, while the timing and duration of these sorties is usually quite predictable. They don’t appear to go far, but jaunts to the shops and to visit friends and family, take up plenty of their time. Aside from this they are seldom alone. Gardening is an activity, your female neighbour seems to enjoy a lot… This individual doesn’t know when to stop. Initially they’re so friendly you couldn’t wish for anybody more delightful. But after a few days of their unremitting racket you’re probably in two minds. Their children run riot in the street, bouncing balls off passing cars, with no regard for other people’s property or the fallout of their unsupervised play. Loud music booms as this person wakes, goes about their day and prepares for sleep. Shouting and swearing are commonplace and at times you’re on the receiving end, especially if you have the nerve to mention their behaviour. sagittarius
may 21 -
june 20
november 22
- december 21
cancer It takes a while to know this neighbour. At first they seem reserved and shy, even snappy and stand-offish as you encounter their hard shell and those vicious pincers they use for self-defence. Don’t think once you’re past this mask it’s gone for good either, because this person is sensitive and once they let you in, you’ll never get anywhere close again if you’ve hurt them even once. But in time, play your cards right and you’ll be hailed as part of the family. Their home isn’t very tidy and there are several children of varying ages, who don’t seem that eager to leave the nest. If the person next door asks are you buying or renting, they were probably born under this sign. They’ll regale you with tales of when they purchased their house and how much it is worth nowadays. They may work from home to avoid paying for an office or do something unorthodox to be their own boss. Their house looks like a museum with everything bought second-hand, often from free newspapers full of hand-me-down cast-offs. They are secretly judgemental of everything you do, but cultivate your association so that somebody feeds the cat for them when they go on holiday. capricorn
june 21 -
july 22
december 22
- january 19
leo This neighbour is not hard to spot. Look for the blond hair and much gold jewellery in a woman, though some prefer a darker look that suits their colouring better. Younger men may also favour their own flowing locks, but as middle age approaches those tend to recede, leaving a high forehead and considerable chagrin. This person appears friendly and always ready for a chat, but it’s not so much them thinking they are better than you, as the unshakeable certainty that astonishes. Their house is the one with the curtains open and lights ablaze. Why wouldn’t you want to gape in awe? This person seems contradictory and it is easy to fall out with them. Perhaps they look aloof and stern, but they will grow on you once you get used to them. Genuinely, they’d like to be your friend, only they have high standards for themselves and for others too. They need lots of space and find living close to people difficult, so unless you talk regularly the potential for misunderstandings is enormous. Though superficially they don’t seem especially remarkable, you could find them based somewhere for the freedom it allows them or for the excellence of their broadband link… aquarius
july 23 -
august 22
january 20
- february 18
virgo You’ll distinguish this neighbour by their nondescript attire and their low profile. They are active in the morning before anyone is awake and are in bed by the early evening too, meaning you may have lived next door to them for decades, before discovering they are there. Still, you will eventually come across them digging miniscule weeds from their path with an old kitchen knife or polishing their front windows. That is your chance to exchange a few words, but it won’t be the most gripping conversation you’ve enjoyed, because a non-stop litany of ailments doesn’t fascinate most people. Look for the dreamcatcher visible in the window, the water feature in the garden and the wind chimes by the door. Watch too for the wine bottles in the recycling bin although to be fair, some born under this constellation steer clear of anything more scurrilous than milk. Your female neighbour has a subtle allure, likes ethereal fabrics and floaty clothes, boasts the most innocent yet seductive gaze and is usually in tears about something or another. Her male counterpart drives a dodgy car, gets regular visits from the authorities and appears primarily competent at lying through his teeth… pisces
august 23 -
september 22
february 19
- march 19
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