aries You imagined you’d seen selfish, but then you met this individual. Male or female, they take levels of thinking about themselves rocketing into the stratosphere. They like you around, but only to demonstrate how much better they are at almost anything you used to enjoy doing, meaning quicker as their yardstick and often in a rush. They seem eager and attentive but that soon wears off, once they have another notch on their bedpost. Consummating your relationship isn’t worth the effort and is over in moments with loud grunting. Now at least you appreciate why they are called the Ram… Read most astrology books and they’ll tell you, how those born under this constellation do anything for an easy life. You’ll learn about how pleasant they are, how cultured and refined, how they’ll put you at the top of their priorities and bend over backwards to make your day a happy one. It is hard reconciling this picture with the specimen who argues black is white, who’ll always favour a contrary perspective no matter how indefensible and contradictory it seems. Apparently, the zodiac has moved on over the years. You sympathise with this sentiment and are glad you have too… libra
march 20 -
april 19		 september 23
- october 22
taurus Boring? That’s an understatement. Sure, there is an appeal to someone who takes their time, who savours the moment and finds pleasure in texture, touch and sensation. To begin with you are enormously impressed by a lover with such a leisurely approach, who is sensuous and tactile, who lays you down in soft sheets and wraps you up in fluffy towels. But gradually it dawns on you this deliberate, unhurried and laboured approach applies to everything from eating and washing, to getting up each day. You’ll soon reckon watching grass grow, has all of the thrills compared to this. It’s flattering someone is so concerned with the intricacies of your day. It’s wonderful they want to know where you went and who you saw, how long you talked to so-and-so and what you then did afterwards. It’s touching they get so anxious if you are just ten minutes late and how they call you and always text you, when you are out with other friends. It seems a little weird when they materialise unexpectedly, or are there waiting when you get back home. Thank goodness you haven’t noticed them listening to your voicemails yet, nor hacking in to your email account… scorpio
april 20 -
may 20		 october 23
- november 21
gemini Initially you’re captivated by this chameleon, moving swiftly from one stimulating scenario to the next, chatting on their telephone throughout. They are intellectual in the truest sense, ready to talk through any issue, while their happy disposition and witty banter makes even dull subjects worth articulating. For a while you are hooked, but then their bad moods prevail. Their unresolved issues number into the thousands and the only reason they’re so keen on partying is to help them run away from themselves. Their analytical skills do not extend, toward their own feelings even slightly. Laid-back and tolerant is what you thought you were getting. If only, when what you discovered instead was hypocrisy and lies. It seems this Archer has one rule for themselves and another for anybody close to them. They spout the former to anyone who’ll listen, but what happens in private is a different story. Money is spent like water, the facts become bent and twisted, everything has such a spin on it reality is mislaid. But highlight these discrepancies and you’ll get a top volume tirade in return. Bluff and bluster rule the day, since might makes them right, they seem to reckon. sagittarius
may 21 -
june 20		 november 22
- december 21
cancer This person is a natural agoraphobic and spends extended periods, even months perhaps in their bedroom, lying face down on their bed. They emerge for food and to go to the supermarket, during quieter periods when nobody else is about and there are bargains to be had. If you catch them then, you may eventually strike up some relationship and convince yourself what a great parent they’d make, being so fond of their home and everything. What you hadn’t bargained for was pregnancy the first time you ever slept together, and tearful demands when this doesn’t eventuate. You thought this person looked capable and ought to make a good provider. Boy or girl they seemed hard-working and though their progress isn’t meteoric, you figured they would establish a solid position for themselves. Either they’d carve out a respectable career or they would keep your domestic situation organised. Possibly they might manage both, but no matter how well everything worked out, there never was any spare cash. Even with thousands in the bank, the fate of every penny is a battle. Emotionally, they proved as tender as a stone. So your bills are all being paid. So what? capricorn
june 21 -
july 22		 december 22
- january 19
leo Jocular and avuncular, like a cuddly Lion with their heart on their sleeve, bursting with enthusiasm and good humour. Dignified and magnanimous, oozing talent from every pore, adored and admired by everyone they meet. Gorgeous and stunning with a great personality, these are all examples of plaudits that as you utter them, will cause any Leo to fall for you instantly. You shouldn’t feel bad about such tactics either, because once they get over their ardour, this person can’t help but take all that is yours for their gain, like every planet in our solar system ends up revolving round the Sun. This person has high ideals they try to live by everyday. It is stimulating to be in the company of such a visionary, who some would even call a genius, especially when it comes to technology and fixing your computer for instance. But their perspective is a global one, including some seven billion souls according to recent estimates of the world’s current population. Although you’ll always have a correspondingly large place in their heart, you must be ready to share your beloved with this swelling ragbag of humanity, who won’t be welcome at close quarters either, as some consolation. aquarius
july 23 -
august 22		 january 20
- february 18
virgo Maybe you have a hygiene fetish, your house was a mess and you couldn’t afford a cleaner, or you have lots of repairs outstanding. Perhaps you are lazy and think by latching on to someone who enjoys feeling useful, you wouldn’t have to work or deal with your chores anymore. For a while you are right, you surroundings look tidier and in better repair, so a bit of moaning was worth it for the extra spare free time. As your partner’s complaining escalates however, one factor becomes obvious. It’s tedious enough being dull, but miserable and bitter too, is a big deal breaker. On a good day a poet, romantic, alluring, sensitive, subtle, enthralling, entrancing and seductive. On a bad day a liar, a thief and a cheat, addicted to alcohol, gambling or worse, dishonest, treacherous, deluded and flawed. Mainly this person hovers between these extremes, crying at a soppy movie and the latest newsworthy disaster, while living in squalor with the washing up left unattended, plus the latest round of bills littering the doormat. If you’re yearning to save a lost unfortunate then you’re in luck. Otherwise, it looks a bigger liability than you’ll ever want to shoulder voluntarily… pisces
august 23 -
september 22		 february 19
- march 19
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